[by Andrew Flynn]

I'm brand new to WriteLife...I'm very pleased to be on this site, and think online writing communities like this serve a great purpose for those with an inkling to be creative. That said, I'll share a piece I wrote last week which I originally posted on my FaceBook page. Your comments and questions are always welcome!

Dear God,

Hi there, it's Drew of Scottsdale...but I hope you already knew that, what with your special omniscient powers and all. If you can take a minute or two and read through this letter that my free will has allowed me to write, along with all of those other humanly gifts that you gave to me a long time ago, I'd surely appreciate it.

First up, do you even get letters anymore? Seeing is how we down here have all seemingly lost the ability to use any kind of penmanship, I might have already answered my own question there. It's still a valid one I think. I'm also curious if you have those big stereotypical mailbags of mail up there on that big cloud that you ride on, or if it's all relegated to your email inbox. Are you a Gmail kind of lord, or do you Yahoo!? Or maybe you have more enhanced technology than us humans down here on your number one favorite planet? It's hard to say, since there's not really any direct word from your particular postal code. Sure, we get a certain biblical image in our pastries and the occasional religious statue that bleeds, but I’m looking for something that is more “heaven-sent”.

Oh yes, I read your book...it’s kind of long-winded, don't you think? It was like a Tom Clancy novel but with a whole lot more plot and twice as many characters. Did you mean all of it as literal, or was it just cleverly written to be pure allegory? I'm going to need clarification on this quandary I have going on with myself and the other humans. Some of us think one way, and some of us think another. And some of us take it a way that I almost guarantee you didn't intend.

It was awfully windy here yesterday. Are you just trying to keep us Phoenicians on our toes? As you know, I've lived here my whole life. No one that is a native of this state has ever experienced the inconsistent weather during the Winter the Spring months that you've given us. I mean, seriously, snow in the desert during Christmastime? What was that all about? It was 38 degrees for the high the day after your son's birthday. Suffice it to say, it surprised the snot out of us. Quite literally too, I had a runny nose for a week. That was one of those weeks where people were sneezing and the people nearby were asking you to bless them. Well, some people were asking...a lot of people would just command it or shout something multi-syllabic from the German language.

Speaking of commanding stuff, a lot of people curse things in your name. It seems to be happening more frequently. We tend to scream your name in varying respects mid-coitus too. Maybe there’s just nothing else to say in those moments (or seconds, natch) of passion and release. Is this part of your plan, or is it because humans are becoming more frustrated with their inability to predict lottery numbers and cope with bad drivers on the freeway?

I must say, your son is quite popular down here on Earth. Really, he’s the man wherever people are, regardless of geography or political boundaries. So much, in fact, that people scream his name out loud for whole plethora of reasons. That must have been your goal all along. You would almost think that Mr. Christ is running for political office, and that would be a good thing, because his "name identification" is through the roof! I would consider voting for him as well if he wore more professional-looking attire, and not those darn hippie Birkenstock sandals.

I want to thank you for many things. Specifically, for Ferris wheels, Save Ferris, Ferris Industries, Ferris State University (go Bulldogs!), and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. That was a funny and enjoyable movie, by the way. The main actor in that film hasn't made many other good movies though. There was that one about the Civil War and the other one about the high school election and that's really about it. Can you possibly look into helping out his sagging career? Maybe you can have that nice boy Kirk Cameron give him a call...although that guy has been a bit of a fundamentalist jerk lately, so maybe not.

In closing, I have news that I'll be going on a road trip to Las Vegas next month. Do you recommend that I get one of those plastic-molded Catholic saint dolls to guide me there safely? Since you're up there, I think I can drive there pretty well as long as I have your Northstar and my Garmin going. Your thoughts?

Cheers,
Drew {: )

This is a work of satire. If you think this is meant to be taken seriously, then you're part of the problem.

©2009 Andrew Flynn & OHPF Productions, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.